I Am the Very Model of Postmodern Seminarian (annotated)

I greatly enjoyed singing this at the annual Fall Variety Show last night. Many thanks to the Rev. Curtis Farr, a fine pianist, for playing a very difficult accompaniment on a piano with a stuck B-flat key.

Enjoy this annotated version specially prepared for the layman (a term not quite intended literally!).

©2012 by Josh Hosler

sung to the tune of "I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major General" by Gilbert & Sullivan

...

I am the very model of Postmodern Seminarian

Liturgical, post-liberal, only mildly post-sectarian

I stand in Easter, kneel in Lent, and genuflect and all of that

And each year on St. Francis Day I get a blessing for my cat

I know I should be praying—clergy skills I should be masterin’

But look! My new submission’s up on Every Day I’m Pastorin’!

I root for Fighting Friars, but I’m puzzled, so I am askin’ y’all …

(Askin’ y’all … Nasty fall? … Aspinwall? … Ah, yes!)

What’s up with VTS-ers getting injured playing basketball?

What’s up with VTS-ers getting injured playing basketball?

What’s up with VTS-ers getting injured playing basketball?

What’s up with VTS-ers getting injured playing basket-basketball?

But I can write an ember letter, print it and ship overnight

Then turn around and exegete a field ed congregation site

And still, in matters Orthodox and Protestant and Marian

I am the very model of Postmodern Seminarian!

And still, in matters Orthodox and Protestant and Marian

He is the very model of Postmodern Seminarian!

I know our church’s history, three thousand years or so of it

Christians behaving badly—this is mainly what I know of it

Jerome was such a sexist prig, Augustine should’ve throttled him

Erasmus was the coolest dude, I wish we could have bottled him

I know my systematics, from the Gnostics down to Bishop Spong

Our dean can sure be counted on to prove each theologian wrong

And now we’ve learned Christology so moderate, no splinter views …

(Splinter views … Winter news? … Lent abuse? … Ah, yes!)

At least, until we’ve made it past our candidacy interviews!

At least, until we’ve made it past our candidacy interviews!

At least, until we’ve made it past our candidacy interviews!

At least, until we’ve made it past our candidacy inter-interviews!

My Niphal and my Hiphil aren’t so bad—I might get used to them

But still, I think I’ll wait before I journey to Jerusalem

And still, in matters Orthodox and Protestant and Marian

I am the very model of Postmodern Seminarian!

And still, in matters Orthodox and Protestant and Marian

He is the very model of Postmodern Seminarian!

In CPE I learned to feel so deeply I can cry on cue

I haven’t done this yet in colloquy, but I am tryin’ to

Refectory food is yummy so I’m wearing my “om-nom-nom” smile …

(You can thank Ms. Annie Pierpoint for this rhyme.)

And in the 1823 you know I kick it Gangnam style!

Youth ministry with Kimball, Mercer, and the gang is outasight

When I’m a new associate I’ll have a plan for overnights

In Dr. Roberts’ choir I love to rock a chant that’s Anglican …

(Anglican … Spanglican? … Manglican? … New-Fanglican? Oh,
forget it. Nothing rhymes with Anglican. Let’s just admit that it
can’t be done and move on, shall we?)

 The music of our church can put me in a space that’s liminal

As long as we are singing from the ’82 blue hymn-inal

But still, in matters Orthodox and Protestant and Marian

I am the very model of Postmodern Seminarian!

But still, in matters Orthodox and Protestant and Marian

He is the very model of Postmodern Seminarian!

In fact, when I can make it through an eighty-hour bummer week

When I can wade in deep enough to handle every plumbing leak

When I can quell the gossip of my great, over-remarking lot

And when I competently write a sermon in the parking lot

When feeding hungry people means that finally I’ve learned to cook

When I can make agnostics pause and give our faith another look

Of all the things they’ll say of me, this clearly is the gladdest one:

            (Gladdest one … Maddest one? … Saddest one? … Sad, mad, glad … scared? No, no, no

… Ah, yes!)

What don’t they teach our future clergy over there in Addison?

What don’t they teach our future clergy over there in Addison?

What don’t they teach our future clergy over there in Addison?

What don’t they teach our future clergy over there in Addis-Addison?

The church is changing quickly, there’s no doubt it’s happened radically

I’m even learning laundry skills by living up at Braddock Lee

And still, in matters Orthodox and Protestant and Marian

I am the very model of Postmodern Seminarian!

And still, in matters Orthodox and Protestant and Marian

He is the very model of Postmodern Seminarian!